Alas and alack... it is the ad curmudgeon, back at you with more pent-up ranting about some of the more regrettable curiosities in my chosen profession.
I am speaking of a certain category of dreadful TV commercials—the ones for those medic alert necklaces or the ones for those glitzy home security companies-- which present wretched little morality plays concerning the necessity of their product.
You are, I am sure, aware of this genre of TV-viewer abuse. Depending on which company we are speaking of, these TV commercials will open with a shot of a frail old lady or a fetching 30-something female. In either instance, their lives are about to be turned upside down.
Before we know it, the old lady has fallen (and yes, inevitably, cannot get up) or the fetching 30-something matron of the house is startled as the front door of the house bursts open to reveal a deranged intruder who has a visage that could frighten Hannibal Lecter. The requisite wailing for help and/or screams of terror ensue.
In both cases, however, the scene then shifts to "command central"... otherwise known as a call center, except that is made to look like is the bridge of the Starship Enterprise. In the case of our fallen, frail lady, a fresh-faced, properly concerned female speaks in soothing and reassuring tones to our fallen lady, announcing that the paramedics are en route. The fact that this response comes within nanoseconds of the fall seems to be not an impediment to the logic of these spots.
In the case of the home break-in, roughly 2/10 of one second from the appearance of the ogre at the door, the home phone begins to ring and (cut to shot of Starship Enterprise bridge) a rugged looking male figure (a younger version of the Marlboro Man) inquires as to whether anything is wrong. Silly goose!! Why the hell do you think the subscriber’s alarm has sounded on your fancy control panel!?!
Nonetheless, our winsome heroine (still breathless from screaming at the top of her lungs) reports that the intruder tried to get in. Rugged looking male states he will send help immediately.
In a further disconnect, no matter how powerfully evil the intruder is, he immediately flees when the outside alarm begins to blare. A disappointing lack of follow-through, to say the least.
Now, I've had the opportunity to see "real" call centers and, believe me, they bear no resemblance to what we see on TV. They are staffed by individuals whose pursuit of the American dream has ended well short of the goal line... and their demeanor reflects this. A mix of lethargy and repressed hostility at the essential unfairness of life permeates the room. I cannot imagine this lot responding immediately to any stimuli, with the possible exception of lower intestinal distress.
In a profession where perception and reality are seldom well acquainted, this genre of TV spots is particularly objectionable. But that's not to say it couldn't be worse... at some point in the future I want to inflict upon you my absolute hostility towards personal injury lawyer commercials.
Enough of this blather! Till next time...
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